


Bright Lights

by wapaksoccet13



Category: Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Military, F/F, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 09:43:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10761675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wapaksoccet13/pseuds/wapaksoccet13
Summary: Friends in middle school, inseparable during high school, Laura and Carmilla thought that they would be together through everything.  They were always there for each other until they weren't.  Carmilla enlisted into the military, and Laura chose to go to college.  Yet they still found their way back to each other.Their future was looking very bright.





	1. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm coming home, I'm coming home  
> Tell the world I'm coming home  
> Let the rain wash away  
> All the pain of yesterday"  
> \- Coming Home

_“Are you sure you have everything?”_

“I’m sure I have everything.  You’ve made me go through my list three times already!”

_“I just wanted to be sure!  The one good thing about the military is that it’s taught me to be prepared.”_

“You?  Prepared?  I need you to repeat that; I need to get a voice recording.”

_“Very funny, Laura.”_

Laura Hollis smiled as she set her list back down on her desk. “What can I say?  I have my moments.”

On her laptop screen via Skype was First Lieutenant Carmilla Karnstein, Laura’s girlfriend.  Friends since middle school, it still amazed Laura that her best friend ended up being the love of her life.  She smiled at the thought, though, because it hadn’t always been this easy, especially after Carmilla’s enlistment into the military.

Quick snaps brought Laura out of her thoughts and back to the Skype call, where Carmilla was looking at her with a concerned expression. Laura blinked a couple times before turning her full attention back to the call. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I was asking what you plans were for tonight.  Are you ok, Cupcake?” Carmilla asked.

Laura smiled. “I’m fine, Carm.  Just thinking.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Of course you were,” she said with a laugh. “So what shirt are you wearing tonight?”

Laura leaned back in her chair and brought two shirts, a light red one and a dark blue, into view of the camera. “I couldn’t decide between the two, so I was just going to let Perry choose when she and LaF got here.”

Carmilla smiled, looking between the two shirts. “I personally vote the blue one, Cupcake.”

Laura looked at the two shirts before laying the red one back down. “Blue one it is.” She turned her attention back to Carmilla. “When are you coming home?”

Carmilla was currently stationed in Germany, but that deployment was quickly coming to an end.  Laura watched as she looked at the calendar on her phone. “Another two months or so.”

Laura frowned. “That’s still so far away, Carm.”

“I know, but it’ll fly by faster than you think.”

“I hope so.”

The front door bell sounded, sounding the arrival of LaFontaine and Lola Perry, two of Laura’s friends she met during her tenure at Georgetown University.  LaFontaine was the lead researcher for a chemical company that Laura could never remember the name for, and Perry had been hired on as a hall director for Georgetown.  Both had insisted that Laura take a night out with them, even convincing Carmilla to side with them when she heard of Laura’s daily routine.

Laura sighed sadly as she looked at Carmilla. “They’re here.”

“Cupcake, you need a night off.  Take full advantage of it, ok?”

Laura rolled her shoulders and leaned forward on her elbows. “It’s just not the same without you around, Carm.”

“Just two more months, Laura.”

The bell rang for a second time.  Laura sighed, standing up. “I have to go.  Same time next week?”

Carmilla smiled. “Course.  Please try to enjoy yourself tonight, ok?”

Laura nodded before returning the smile. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Cupcake.”

Laura ended the call after blowing Carmilla a kiss, quickly going to the front door.  She opened it to find LaF leaning against the porch bannister and Perry patiently waiting beside them.  Both smiled when Laura came into view.  
  
“Finally!  You’re going to make us late, Frosh!” LaF shouted, quickly pushing Laura back inside her house. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.  I still need to change then we can go, LaF!”

Perry sighed, closing the door behind her as she followed the two inside. “LaFontaine, we’ve waited long enough for tonight.  We can wait a little longer for Laura to get changed.”

LaF moved to counter, allowing for Laura to escape into her room to change. “Just what are we doing anyways?” she called as she changed into the blue shirt Carmilla had picked out.

“It’s a big concert that I won tickets to for the three of us!  Front row seats!” LaF shouted back.

Laura rolled her eyes and walked out of her room to find LaF looking at the pictures resting on the stand above the fireplace.  It held all of the pictures that remained the closest to Laura.  There was one from her childhood that featured her family, whole and healthy with bright smiles on their faces.  Then there was one with Carmilla from when they were in high school after one of the big bondfires during senior year.  The next one was from Carmilla’s Basic Training graduation.  Then it was one of Laura, LaF, and Perry following their college graduation, laughs on their faces.  The last one was from Laura’s study abroad over to Styria, and it held the closest spot to Laura’s heart.  It was of her and Carmilla on a small trip to Italy, the same trip that found both of them confessing their feelings to each other.  It was the only picture she could find of them laughing like they were in love, and it was the anchor that kept her grounded following her return to the States.

“When is Carm coming home?” LaF asked, their eyes following Laura’s gaze to the picture.

Laura frowned. “Two months.”

Perry wrapped her arm around Laura’s shoulder. “Just a little longer, Sweetie.”

Laura gave her a small smile before turning her attention back to LaF. “Well, let’s get going then, or we’ll definitely be late to this concert.”

Laura watched LaF cheer as they led them out to the car, going over the different songs they were hoping would be played that night.  In truth, Laura was ready to have a new distraction, thankful that Carmilla had convinced her to attend.  The long distance relationship was worth the time she got to be with Carmilla, but the days like today, the ones where she missed Carmilla the most, had begun to take their toll.  As they piled into the car and drove off to the venue, Laura stared up at the bright moon above them and smiled.  The one bright light in the darkest of nights.

* * *

 

Laura wasn’t familiar with the band that was playing, but it was quite a site to watch Perry finally relax and enjoy a night.  She and LaF danced to the various songs played, while Laura watched them.  Much of the music were covers but they all had a common high-tempo drive to them.  Laura laughed as she clapped along to one of them, a song she recognized as a favorite from college though she couldn’t quite place the name of it.  She cheered as the song ended, watching as the lead singer take a drink from his water bottle.  His boyish charm as he smiled to the crowd only drew in more screams from the audience. 

“How’s everyone doing tonight?” he asked, only to be answered with more screaming. “That’s more like it!” He set his water bottle down on the stage and walked over to grab one of the acoustic guitars. “So, one of our fans sent in a request for a song, and the story behind the request was so moving that we decided why not!”

The crowd sighed collectively, causing Laura to chuckle.  It was cheesy to see things like this over the media, but to actually be experiencing it firsthand, even if it wasn’t meant for her, was definitely a cute experience.

Slinging the guitar over his shoulder, the singer began tuning it as he continued to talk. “Everyone wants to hear the story right?” Cheers erupted with chants of tell us sounding through the stadium. “While I would love to, it is by the request that I don’t.  Because we have a surprise for that special someone that only a song can tell.” He smiled as he began to play a couple chords before leaning towards the microphone.

_Just say the word,_

_We’ll take on the world_

_Just say you’re hurt,_

_We’ll face the worst_

_Oh_

Laura blinked at opening lyrics, her hands clasping together.  How could she not recognized it?  Carmilla would play it every time Laura was over at her house.  The singer smiled as the band began to join him.

_I can see, see the pain in your eyes_

_Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried_

_No I won’t, I won’t pretend to know what you’ve been through_

_You should’ve know, I wish it was me, not you_

_And just say the word,_

_We’ll take on the world_

_Just say you’re hurt,_

_We’ll face the worst_

_Nobody knows you, the way that I know you_

_Look in my eyes, I will never desert you_

_And just say the word_

_We’ll take on the world_

Laura could feel her heart start to pound against her chest as memories of her childhood began to rush to her mind.  Their first week of freshman year.  The time Carmilla convinced her to go to her first haunted house.  Senior homecoming when Laura was voted Homecoming Queen.  The night Carmilla told Laura that she was enlisting into the Army.  All of it was flooding back into Laura’s mind.

_And it’s the fight, and the fight of our lives_

_You and I, we were made to thrive_

_And I am your future, I am your past_

_Never forget that we were built to last_

_Step out of the shadows and into my life_

_Silence the voices that haunt you inside_

_And just say the word,_

_We’ll take on the world_

_Just say you’re hurt,_

_We’ll face the worst_

_Nobody knows you, the way that I know you_

_Look in my eyes, I will never desert you_

_And just say the word_

_We’ll take on the world_

Laura could feel hands on her arms start to push her towards the stage, and when she looked it was LaF and Perry.  They had apologetic smiles on their faces, and two thoughts popped into Laura’s mind.  The first was that they were just moving her out of the crowd because of the proximity of everyone around them was starting to feel uncomfortable.  The second was that they had something to do with the request.  Laura prayed that it was the first thought and not the second as the song begun to pick up its tempo.

_And nobody knows you, the way that I know you_

_And nobody knows you, the way that I know you_

_We’ll fight, we’ll crawl into the night_

_Our world, we’ll go, with you by my side_

_The calm, the storm, we’ll face it all_

_And just say the word,_

_We’ll take on the world_

_And nobody knows you, the way that I know you_

_Look in my eyes, I will never desert you_

_Just say the word,_

_We’ll take on the world_

_We’ll take on the world_

At the end of the song, cheers erupted around Laura, though the band continued to play.  The music began to slow, and the number of instruments playing began to lessen until only the piano was playing.  The mood of the piano drew the crowd to a hushed whisper as a violin begin to join it.  The audience was mesmerized by the two instruments, and it was only then that Laura noticed that more instruments in a small orchestra were joining the two.

The singer eventually added in to the music with the acoustic guitar, leaning towards the microphone. “So the person who inspired the request is actually in the crowd tonight.  Laura Hollis, where are you at?”

Laura’s breath caught at the mention of her name, her face turning red as the cameras started to pan towards her.  LaF and Perry were all smiles beside her as their picture appeared up on the jumbotron, causing the crowd to go wild.

The singer smiled when he looked towards Laura’s direction. “Hey there, Laura.  So I hear that you’ve got a special someone overseas right now.  Is that right?” Laura could only nod, her brain short-circuiting at the sudden amount of attention directed at her. “Well, that special someone knew how difficult it’s been for you, so she got your friends here to request a couple songs for you to give you a night to remember.  So this one’s for you.”

Laura could only feel her heart melt at the mention of Carmilla’s request.  _She…she did this for me?_ She looked to LaF and Perry.  _All of this?  For me?_ It was then that the singer began to sing.

_I’m here again_

_A thousand miles away from you_

_A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am_

_I tried so hard_

_Thought I could do this on my own_

_I’ve lost so much along the way_

_Then I’ll see your face_

_I know I’m finally yours_

_I find everything I thought I lost before_

_You call my name_

_I come to you in pieces_

_So you can make me whole_

Laura’s heart began to beat faster as the drumset entered in, her thoughts rushing to how much this song reminded her of what had happened in the past few years.  Carmilla’s mother trying to force her opinions on Carmilla after she enlisted; her brother Will’s enlistment right after his high school graduation.  His death during his second deployment two years later, only to be followed by the death of her older sister Mattie in a car accident.  The only happiest Laura could recall seeing in Carmilla during that period of her life was when she would spend it with Laura.  With this song, she could see that Carmilla again, and her heart clenched.

_I’ve come undone_

_But you make sense of who I am_

_Like puzzle pieces in your eye_

_Then I’ll see your face_

_I know I’m finally yours_

_I find everything I thought I lost before_

_You call my name_

_I come to you in pieces_

_So you can make me whole!_

It was then that song began to pick up tempo, increasing Laura’s heartbeat as well.  She clasped her hands over her chest, her mind thinking back to the night she confessed her feelings to Carmilla.  It was the happiest that she had been in years, and she could feel the same for Carmilla.  Laura was sure to continue to be lost in her thoughts, but what happened next quickly took over her thoughts.

“Ladies and gentlemen!  Please help me welcome home from being stationed in Germany, First Lieutenant Carmilla Karnstein!”

It was then that lights shone down on the far end of the stage, and sure enough, there was Carmilla, clad in her dress blues and a smile on her face, with a bouquet of white roses in her hands.  And it was as if time had stopped.  She could vaguely register the band finish the song as she moved onto the stage slowly, praying that this wasn’t a dream.  That Carmilla was truly standing before her with that smile that she only saved for her.  That if this was a dream, it was one she was never going to wake up from.  It was only when Carmilla finally spoke up that she knew she wasn’t dreaming.

“Hey Cupcake.  Did you miss me?”

Then everything was rushing forward.  Laura sprinted across the stage and into the arms of her girlfriend to the cheers of the crowd at the reunion.  She didn’t care who was watching; her hands found the back of Carmilla’s neck as she pulled her close and placed a hard kiss on Carmilla’s lips.  She felt Carmilla’s arms wrap around her waist and pulling her closer, causing the cheers to turn into screams of joy.  It was there that Laura had a thought, one that made her heart warm as she laughed with Carmilla.  The best surprises were the ones that left you feeling like a new person.

* * *

 

“You are in so much trouble!” 

Carmilla looked back at Laura as she slung her bag over her shoulder. “Why?  What did I do?”

Laura waved her arms around her head. “This!  The surprise at the concert; the really expensive dinner date; the very, very expensive hotel!  All of it.  And you seriously had me thinking that I had to wait another two months before you were supposed to come home!  Speaking of which, how long have you been planning this?”

Laura watched as Carmilla pretended to think for a moment before smiling to her. “About three months.  It wasn’t set in stone until about 2 weeks ago.  So when I found out for sure, I got the gingers involved to keep you preoccupied while I made the arrangements.”

_That would explain all of the sudden excursions with LaF and Perry recently._  Laura frowned. “Next question:  how long are you here?”

Carmilla took her hand, and they walked down the hallway towards the elevator. “I had a lot of leave saved up for this occasion, so I’ve got a couple weeks for you-and-me time.  Maybe we take a weekend and go see your dad.”

_Only a couple weeks.  Then back to working for the government._ “That sounds good.”

Carmilla pressed the button to call for the elevator before turning to Laura. “Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked as she wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist.

Laura sighed, leaning into the embrace. “I just…I just got you back.  I don’t want you to leave again to go somewhere, whether it be overseas or not.”

Carmilla rubbed her back slowly. “I know, Cupcake, but this is what I signed up for.  We both knew what we were getting in to when we decided to actually go through with the relationship.”

“I know, and I don’t regret it one moment.  I just find myself missing you every moment you’re not here.”

Carmilla pressed a light kiss to Laura’s forehead as a ding sounded above them, signaling the arrival of the elevator. “Come on; we can talk about this later.  Tonight it’s just you and me.  No Army, no work life.  Just the two of us.”

The doors opened, and Carmilla walked backwards into it with a mischievous smile on her face.  Laura rolled her eyes, her own smile slowly creeping onto her face as she walked into the elevator and into Carmilla’s awaiting arms.  Carm was right; this was their night together, and Laura wasn’t about to let the Army take this night away from them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!  
> Kudos, comments, etc. are all welcome, and don't forget to follow me on tumblr: libs1317


	2. Leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for the time to pass you by  
> Hope the winds of change will change your mind  
> I could give a thousand reasons why  
> And I know you, and you've got to  
> \- Stay by Zedd and Alessia Cara

**_8 years ago_ **

I swallowed hard as I stared at the front door in front of me.  Everything up until this point had been easy.  Mother didn’t want anything else to do with me after I had stuck with my decision, so getting her signature for the documents was like peeling off a Band-Aid quickly.  Mattie was away in New York City for her internship, but I already knew she would have cheered me on for finally distancing myself away from Mother’s influence.  I wasn’t too worried about Will; I could practically hear his thoughts about following my footsteps when he graduates in two years.

What was the most frightening thing I found myself facing right now was telling Laura Hollis that I had just enlisted into the Army.  I had known the bubbly brown-eyed blonde since fifth grade, her innocence and naivety attitude practically polar opposite to my blunt and hardened outlook.  Maybe it was the old saying opposites attract proving a point, but nonetheless we were the closest of friends.  She was there for me when my father passed away freshman year.  I was there for her when Danny broke her heart sophomore year.  Then there was her first haunted house last year, closely followed by her being voted in as Homecoming Queen just last fall.  Everything we did, we did it together.

I took a deep breath in and raised my hand to knock on the door, only for Sherman Hollis to open it at the last moment. “Well hello there, Carmilla,” he said as he opened the door further. “You don’t need to keep knocking; you know you’re always welcome.”

I gave him a small smile. “Force of habit, sir.”

Sherman shook his head. “Enough with the sir, Carmilla.  I told you to just go ahead and call me Sherman.”

“You know you’ve never been Sherman to me, sir.  I could always just go back to calling you Papa Bear.”

“Let’s not for fear of having a repeat of Laura going off on another of her tirades about bears.”

I laughed at the memory.  One of the Hollis’s camping excursions when Laura was younger had ended with a bear chase.  Since then, it was hard for Laura’s dad to escape the helicopter parent mode for fear that something else terrible would happen to her.  Yet, that’s what made their relationship great, one that I missed deeply with my own father.

“So what brings you by today?  I thought you had an important meeting today,” Sherman said as he headed into the kitchen.

“I did.  I wanted to talk to Laura about it before I started my public announcement,” I answered, taking a seat at the island. “Speaking of which, is she home?”

Sherman slid a large glass of chocolate milk towards me before shaking his head. “No, not yet.  She had a meeting with the student council tonight in regards to prom and graduation.  Should be home in the next fifteen minutes or so.”

Sherman nodded, and soon I found myself engrossed in a conversation about things Sherman did when he was younger.  We were in the midst of discussing the eighties, my personal favorite time period, when Laura burst into the room, red in anger.  There were very few occasions where Laura was angry, so I could already narrow the list down to which ones could have caused the sudden outburst.

“Danny?” I asked, only to be met with a huff and silence.  I looked to Sherman who nodded a confirmation.  _Damn it, Xena._ I looked back towards Laura. “What did she do this time?”

“She’s just…I can’t even…Just…UGH!” Laura stomped her way up the stairs.

I sighed, looking at Sherman.  He smiled a little shrugged.  He already knew I was planning on going up to her room to calm her down; it was like clockwork with the two of us.  I rolled my eyes before making the trek up the stairs and down to the last room on the right.  I found Laura sitting on her bed, angrily skipping through tracks on the Spotify playlist made for moments like this.  I leaned against the doorframe and watched her for a moment as she attempted to cool off with the sounds of angry screaming filling the room.

“So are you going to actually explain what Xena did this time?” I asked as I watched Laura flop back onto her bed.

She was silent for a minute before turning her head to face me. “She’s acting like I’m hers to protect.  When I’ve told her over and over again I don’t need protection.  That’s what my dad does, and frankly that’s the only person I really need to hear it from.”

I smiled.  Laura was always good at making friends because of her caring personality, but whenever it came to people trying to look out for her, she would always push away their concerns.  Most of the time, she’d run in head first into situations before realizing what kind it was.  Sometimes a kid had been wrongly accused.  Sometimes she wanted to have healthier food options in the cafeteria.  Usually it ended with me having to talk her out of trouble because she always bit off more than she could chew.  Another reason why my stomach was spinning fast right now.

I knew Laura could take care of herself and that she would have friends to look after her when I left, but the thought of leaving her to her own accord still scared me.  I knew she would be fine, but would I?  She’d make new friends, friends she could rely on just as much as she had on me, but would I be able to do the same?  As much I was scared about how easier it would be for her to adapt, I was even more scared at the realization that I may not be able to.  She was the first true friend that I had, the first one who accepted me for me.  I wouldn’t have that friendship in what would be one of the most challenging times of my life at Basic Training; I wouldn’t have that support right away like I did here.  _Did I make the right choice?_

“Are you alright, Carm?”

Her voice broke me from my thoughts, and I found myself staring at concerned brown eyes.  All my fears disappeared as she stared at me, a question on her lips.  My instincts told me to tell her everything was going to be ok, just to see that light-hearted expression on her face once again, but I knew she needed to know.  She needed to know that I was leaving.  I swallowed hard, opening my mouth to start the speech I had tried to prepare in advance, but her arms wrapping around my shoulders caused me to freeze.

“What is it?  Is it your mother again?” she asked softly, her grip not loosening at the mention of my mother.

I shook my head. “Not exactly, Cupcake.”

Laura slowly stood back, looking up at me. “Then what is it?”

She stared up at me with those brown eyes, and I felt like running.  That was my instinct though, to run from my problems.  I did it with my fights with Mother; I ran when school was becoming too much for me.  I ran away until I couldn’t run any more.  My feet remained planted, and I knew that I was going to have to face my problems this time.

“I…I have some news.”

Laura looked at me questioningly before her face suddenly brightened. “Did you hear back from some colleges?”

“Uh…it’s not that kind of news.  Actually, it’s kind of the opposite.”

Laura looked at me confused. “What do you mean?”

I sighed, leading her back to her bed.  We sat down, her worrying eyes still focused on me.  I shifted back and forth in my spot as the weight of her stare bore down on me. “So, uh, remember that meeting I said I had today?”

“What about it?  Did it go well?”

“You could say that.  I uh…enlisted into the Army,” I mumbled.

There was a moment of silence, but I was too afraid to look up at Laura, though the longer it was, the heavier her stare seemed to get.

“YOU WHAT?!”

And there it was, the outburst that I was hoping would never come.  I flinched at the shouting, watching as she got up and started to pace in front of me.  I watched helplessly as her face went through several different phases of anger, sadness, confusion, and another I couldn’t quite place.  I bit my lower lip as I watched her, staying silent through her inner struggle as she processed the information.  I didn’t know how to react to her struggle; I was the source of the problem, and there was a large possibility that I could only make it worse.

It was when she finally stopped in front of me that I felt my entire body freeze in fear.  Slowly I looked up at her, waiting on her next move.  It was when she sighed and looked at me that I felt the tension leave.  The sadness that rested in her eyes broke my heart, and all I wanted to do was to pull her into a hug.  I didn’t though, choosing to stay sitting on her bed as she searched for her next words.

“How long?” she asked softly, moving to sit beside me on the bed.

“A couple weeks after graduation.  Mother was all too happy to sign the papers to ship me off as soon as possible seeing as I wasn’t following her laid out plan,” I said with a small smile.

“Since when has she ever been happy with any choice you’ve made?”

“Well, there was that one time…”

Laura chuckled and shook her head. “Charley had it coming for sure.  I mean, at least she was accepting of you coming out as lesbian.”

“About the only thing she was accepting of unless it was something helping her.”

Laura smiled at the memory before looking down at her hands.  It was quiet between the two of us as we tried to figure out how to move on in the conversation.  It was Laura who finally spoke up after a moment.

“Is this what you really want to do?” she asked softly before looking up at me.

No one had really asked me that question with such sincerity that I actually started to regret my decision for a moment.  I looked down at my hands, counting the reasons for why I had enlisted and why I shouldn’t have.  I took a breath before looking back up at Laura.

“Yes.  I’m not like you, Laura.  College isn’t for me.  I’m not as smart as you, not as driven.  At least in the Army I’ll be able to do something with my life while serving those around me.  Just like my dad had,” I explained, my voice cracking slightly at the mention of my father.

It had been ten years since Dad’s death, but his impact still resonated throughout the community.  A sergeant first class in the Army, when Dad was home, he made so many contributions to creating the loving community that was here today.  On what was to be his final deployment before retirement, a suicide bomber rammed their vehicle into one of the barricades Dad was in charge of.  He threw himself in front of his soldiers, minimizing the blast damage to them at the cost of his life.  I still got letters from three of them about how Dad’s sacrifice impacted their lives.

Laura’s hand found mine, a gentle squeeze to show she understood.  “So now what?” she asked softly, her eyes searching mine for an answer.

_If only I knew, Laura.  If only I knew._

* * *

 

**_3 years ago_ ** ****

I felt numb.  That was the only explanation for how I felt right now.  Numb beyond compare.  First Dad, then Will, and now Mattie.  All of them were gone.  Mother hadn’t spoken to me since Will’s funeral; even today, not a word was even directed towards me.  It was just the two of us, but to Mother, it was like she was the only one of the family left.  The person who knew how I felt exactly wanted nothing to do with me, leaving me to deal with these feelings by myself.

I sat on the ground in my hotel room, my back up against the wall and a half-empty bottle of whiskey beside me.  I had already emailed my higher ups to let them know that I was scheduled to fly out in two days to return, though the thought did cross my mind leaving tomorrow.  I slammed back around swallow of the whiskey when a timid knock on the door sounded.

“Come in,” I said groggily, already knowing who was knocking.

“You’re going to need to open the door, Carm.  I don’t have a key to your room.”

Grunting, I stood up and clumsily walked over to the door, opening it to find Laura standing in front of me.  She was still dressed her in black dress, one that had made me pause when I first saw it on her.  Right now, it was just another reminder of how terrible this year was going.  She looked at me with pity, and I could feel my anger rising.  I didn’t want pity; I didn’t want anyone, not even her, looking at me like that.

“What?” I snapped, though I would come to regret it later that night.  I stormed back towards the wall I had been sitting against, though my movements were severely impaired by the amount of alcohol in my system.

“Carm.”

I ignored her, sitting back against the wall and slamming back another swallow of whiskey.  I didn’t care about how she looked at me.  I didn’t care how the world looked at me.  Life had already screwed me over several times in my lifetime, so why should I care about anything anybody thought about now?  I watched as she knelt in front of me, concern in her eyes, and I wanted to be angry.  I wanted to be upset with her for looking at me with such pity.  I wanted to yell, to scream at her to leave, but I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I could feel my walls starting to break under her gaze, and I just…broke.

As if watching each and every wall fall, Laura sat beside me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me into her embrace.  Then everything collapsed, and I lost myself in her arms.  The pain overwhelmed me, and the tears finally fell.  I felt alone, lost, and broken.  Those that I had loved the most were gone, and it felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest.  My world was turned upside down, and I didn’t know if I could find my way back.

I wasn’t alone though.  I wasn’t lost.  Right there beside me, through my anger and sadness, was Laura.  She held me through my tears, whispering calm words into my ears as she stroked my hair.  I hadn’t lost everyone; I still had her.  I still had Laura, even when I knew I didn’t deserve her.  I didn’t deserve the happiness she brought into my life.  I didn’t deserve how she could turn my worst days into better ones.  I didn’t deserve her love.  Yet there she was.  Never wavering in her love.  Always there, always comforting me.

“I’m…I’m sorry…”I hiccupped into her shoulder.

“Shhh,” she whispered in my ear, hugging me closer. “There’s no need to be sorry, Carm.”

“You deserve better…you deserve someone who’s not broken like me…you deserve-“

“Carm, stop.”

I looked up at Laura, those brown eyes holding the determination she was best known for.  They held my gaze; my body froze under her glare.  Sometimes it was scary how Laura could freeze me in place with her eyes.

“I deserve you.  You deserve me.  Life is cruel, but it doesn’t mean that we aren’t meant for each other.  We could have been with anyone else.  I could’ve been with Danny, and you could’ve chosen to stay with Ell, but we chose each other.  We found our way to each other.  I love you, Carmilla Karnstein, and I’m not about to let you forget it,” she said before she placed a hard kiss to my lips.

The kiss froze my limps, and for a moment I was stunned.  It was only when I felt her slowly start to pull back did my arms wrap tightly around her, holding her against me.  I returned the kiss with as much love as I could, desperate to show her how much she meant to me.  I loved her, and the thought of losing her filled my mind with a greater fear.  She was right; we had found our way to each other after years of trying to convince ourselves that the love wasn’t there.  It had always been there, right from the start, and I was beyond grateful for the opportunity to be with her.  I didn’t want to let this beautiful woman out of my grasp.

“I love you too,” I whispered against her lips as we pulled back for air.

She smiled, running her hands slowly through my hair. “I know it’s hard right now, Carm, but we’ll get through this.  We always do.”

I looked at Laura, and I knew she spoke the truth.  Deep down, I knew everything would work out.  I knew we would be able to move on, that I would eventually be able to move on.  As scary as it sounded, I knew Mattie would become a loving memory, just as Dad and Will had.  I knew the three of them would always be there with me, just as Laura was here with me now.  I pressed my forehead against her collarbone as the tears rolled down my cheeks.  Even in my worst moments, she was always looking out for me, just as she always had.

Someday I’d show her just how much she meant to me.  Someday she’d know how much I loved her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback!  
> I've got an idea of where I want to go with this work, but what do you want to see in future chapters? Let me know!
> 
> As always, make sure to follow me on twitter: libs1317


	3. Missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the dark we we  
> We stand apart we we  
> Never see that the things that we need are staring right at us  
> You just want to hide hide hide  
> Hide never show your smile smile  
> Stand alone when you need someone it’s the hardest thing of all  
> That you see are the bad bad bad  
> Bad memories take your time and you’ll find me  
> \- Monsters by Katie Sky

Laura stood off to the side, watching as Carmilla walked down the green path in front of them.  Because of her stationing in Germany, it was rare for Carmilla to come home.  Emergencies seemed to bring Carmilla home the fastest.  Laura watched as Carmilla stopped in front of a row of graves, the flowers in her hands starting to tremble.  It broke Laura’s heart watching Carmilla like this, but she knew Carmilla wanted to do this on her own first. 

The military life ran in the family.  First it was Carmilla’s father, who rose to the rank of Sergeant First Class before becoming a casualty on his last deployment.  Laura remembered how happier Carmilla would be whenever she would talk about her father; it was about the only thing she would talk about with a smile for a while.  Then it was Carmilla’s turn to enlist straight out of high school.  She would always tell Laura that college wasn’t for her, but their recent conversations looked to be changing Carmilla’s mindset.  Will chose to follow his father’s and sister’s footsteps after his graduation, even when he had several Division I football scholarships waiting for him.  Will always joked how he wanted to quickly rise in the ranks so that one day Carmilla would eventually have to report to him.

He never had a chance to.  A month into Carmilla’s training to becoming an officer, Will was on his second deployment when his convoy was ambushed.  As if a mirror image of his father, Will chose to put his life on the line to buy reinforcements enough time to find them.  He died on his way to the hospital and was buried next to his father.  Laura remembered how closed off Carmilla was after Will’s death, but it was nothing compared to the following year.

Out of all the Karnstein children, Carmilla and Mattie were the closest.  Four years older than Carmilla, Mattie held the family expectations on her shoulders.  She graduated high school top of her class, graduated college in four years with two bachelors, and went on to be at the top of her law school class.  She was quickly rising as one of the most respected lawyers in New York when news of Will’s death came knocking.  Mattie tried her hardest to keep up appearances, but those who knew her best knew how in shock she was.  Yet, Mattie kept putting her little sister’s needs in front of her own.  She would always send gifts to Carmilla, taking time out of her schedule to make visits to Germany to check on Carmilla’s well-being.

It was one of these planned trips that Carmilla’s world turned upside down for the third time.

* * *

 

**_3 years ago_ **

_“Are you excited, Kitty?  Because I sure am!”_

I rolled my eyes. “You’re always excited for a trip to Germany, though I’m pretty sure it’s because you do most of your shopping whenever you’re here ‘to visit me.’”

_“That’s not true!”_

“Uh huh.  Sure Mattie.  Paris again?”

_“…maybe.”_

I sighed, leaning my elbow onto my desk as I moved some of my papers to the side. “When are you flying out tomorrow?”

_“7 am.  You did remember to take this weekend off right?”_

“Yes, Mattie, I did.”

Mattie squealed, and I was already preparing for her departure Sunday.  Ever since Will’s death last year, she would fly out to visit me every other month unless a case took priority.  I loved having my sister around, but lately it just felt like too much.  Laura would say something along the lines of it was just her way of coping, and I understood that.  I just wish she had another outlet outside of me, but then again, it was just me, her, and Mother.  At least Mattie had a better relationship with Mother than I did, even if we did resent her most of the time.

_“I have to go, Kitty Cat.  I have a meeting with the board in twenty minutes, and you know how bad New York traffic can be.”_

“Ok.  Drive safe, and let me know when you get there.”

_“Always.  Ta ta!”_

I sighed as I hung up the phone, leaning into my chair.  Being left alone was depressing enough, but knowing that in less than 24 hours I’d have to wear a face for my sister was even more depressing.  I hated being in this state; I hated feeling like I couldn’t do anything right.  I hated not being in control.  It was one of the reasons why I chose to go to Officer Candidate School.  Sure, the larger pay was an added bonus, but being able to make the decisions that were in control felt right.  It felt like me.  I enjoyed my time leading soldiers as an enlisted personnel, but as an officer I was able to do so much more.

I looked down at the stacks of papers in front of me.  We were scheduled to do a qualification range for the company, and I was the officer in charge.  I had majority of the details squared away; now it was more of making sure everything else in the little details were squared away before departure next weekend.  Mattie’s phone call had given me enough of a break for my mind to stop running a thousand miles a minute, but now I couldn’t find my earlier focus.

The rumble in my stomach didn’t help matters.  I rose from my seat and went into the small kitchenette that came with my apartment, one of the additional perks that came with being an officer.  I decided to make a personal favorite, one that Laura always cooked whenever I was home, and I could feel my heart lift a little at the thought of her.  When half an hour passed and Mattie hadn’t called me, I assumed traffic caught up to her and she had to run to her meeting.  She would call afterwards; she always did.

A couple hours passed by.  The chicken I had cooked was eaten.  The paperwork that needed to be finished tonight was done.  The apartment was cleaned, ready for Mattie’s arrival.  Her favorite restaurant was booked for dinner tomorrow night.  Money for our shopping excursion was set aside.  The only thing left was her phone call; it was the only thing I was waiting on before I was going to go to sleep.

I looked up at my digital clock on the night stand.  _12:30 am.  Where the hell are you, Mattie?_

That’s when my phone started ringing.  _Finally._ I stood up, grabbing my phone as I walked towards the window.  I answered it without looking at the caller ID. “Traffic get you good-“

_“Carmilla.”_

My eyes widened at the voice.  _Mother._ “Oh, hello Mother.  I wasn’t expecting you to call.  I was actually waiting on Mattie to call.”

Silence enveloped the other end of the call.  I looked at my phone to make sure that the call hadn’t been disconnected when Mother spoke, her voice soft. _“Carmilla.  Something happened.”_

I placed the receiver back to my ear, my mind already beginning to run. “What are you talking about?  Is it Mattie?  Is she ok?”

_“Carmilla…she was in a car accident.  I’m so sorry, Darling.”_

My voice disappeared; my thoughts went blank.  _No…no…not Mattie…not Mattie…_

Then it was just me.

* * *

 

**_Present_ ** ****

The news on Mattie’s death was national.  On her way to a board meeting, one where it was rumored she was going to be offered the control of a new division within the firm, her car was struck by another driver.  She spun out before colliding with a wall.  The other driver, who had been late to work, walked away without a scratch, but Mattie wasn’t as fortunate.  The doctors contributed her death to the significant trauma to her head and neck from the impact against the wall.

After graduating from Georgetown, Laura was working as a reporter in D.C. when she started seeing the news of Mattie’s death.  She quickly put in for a week of vacation and returned home.  Her first stop home was to Carmilla’s childhood home.  Carmilla’s mother, Lilita Morgan, for once didn’t object to Laura’s quick entry into her home; she stepped to the side quickly after opening the door, already knowing where Laura was heading.  Laura found Carmilla curled up on her childhood bed, and she spent the rest of the afternoon comforting her girlfriend to the best of her ability.

Mattie’s viewing and funeral were the following two days.  It was much larger than Laura had expected it to be, mainly due to the amount of people Mattie knew in New York.  A few of the guests Laura recognized from high school.  She stood with Carmilla, watching and waiting patiently.  Carmilla was a robot through all of it, going through the motions as she had done before at her father’s and Will’s funerals.

Mattie was buried next on the other side of her father, but this was the first time Carmilla was able to see all three headstones above their respective graves.  Laura watched Carmilla kneel in front of her father’s grave, her hand gently reaching out to touch his grave before touching Will’s then Mattie’s.  She could see Carmilla say something to each of them, her voice too quiet for Laura to hear.  After a moment, Laura slowly made her way out to Carmilla.  She knelt beside her girlfriend, gently wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist.

“You ok?” she asked softly, watching Carmilla’s facial features.

Carmilla remained silent for a moment before releasing the breath she was holding. “I will be.  Eventually.”

“No one’s expecting you to be better right away, Carm.”

“I know that, Cupcake, but I still have to show that I’m in a better place for my soldiers.”

Laura nodded, leaning her head on Carmilla’s shoulder.  They were silent together at the graves, the wind blowing softly in the background. “You know, the three of them would be extremely proud of you, you know that right?”

Carmilla’s right hand gently took Laura’s left, a gentle squeeze following. “I know.  I just…I wish Dad could’ve met you.”

Laura smiled, gently bringing their hands to her mouth so that she could kiss Carmilla’s hand. “I wish I could’ve met him too, Carm.”

They were quiet for a moment longer before Laura was pulling Carmilla to her feet and then to the car.  Laura had promised her father that she and Carmilla would be by his house for dinner, and they were already running late.  He would be understanding, of course, but Laura always hated making him wait longer than need be.  She got in on the driver’s side, and Carmilla slowly got in on the front passenger’s side.  Carmilla took one last look out towards the graves, her right hand closing into a fist for a moment.  Laura reached over and took Carmilla’s left hand in her right, a gentle smile appearing on her lips as Carmilla turned to look at her.

“Come on, Carm.  Let’s go get something to eat then we can go get a movie and just stay in bed the rest of the night,” Laura suggested, kissing Carmilla’s knuckles gently.

Carmilla smiled softly at the thought before returning her gaze to the window.  The rest of the night went quietly.  Even Sherman’s antics weren’t able to break Carmilla out of her thoughts, though she did give him a few smiles a couple times throughout the night.  When the two retired to Laura’s apartment, the Princess Bride and The Addams Family playing on their TV, Laura snuggled up to Carmilla, hoping the close proximity would be enough to help calm the thoughts that she knew were running through her fiancee’s mind.

When Laura woke up to an empty bed later that night, her chest tightened.  On nights like these, Carmilla would often leave a note, usually saying that she needed to take a walk and she’d be back in the morning, but there was no note this time.  Laura rose from her bed, looking around the apartment, but there was no sign of Carmilla.  Grabbing her phone, Laura dialed Carmilla’s number, only for it to go straight to Carmilla’s voicemail.  Her mind running to the worst of situations, Laura quickly threw on her coat when she heard the front door open.

Carmilla walked in, coffee in hard, and blinked in surprise when she saw Laura haphazardly trying to throw her shoes on. “What’s the rush, Cupcake?” Laura looked up, relief flooding her body.  She ran and threw herself into Carmilla’s arms, nearly knocking the coffee out of Carmilla’s hand.  Carmilla caught Laura, confusion settling in as she looked at Laura. “Uh, Laura?  What’s going on?”

“Where did you go?  Do you realize how worried I was!  Your phone was off, and there wasn’t a note!” Laura yelled, pulling back to slap Carmilla on the side of the head before pulling her back into a tight hug. “I was so worried!”

Carmilla smiled gently, moving to set her coffee down before wrapping both of her arms around Laura. “I’m sorry.  I wasn’t thinking straight when I woke up, and I just needed to go for a walk.  I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Laura pulled back, gently cupping Carmilla’s face in her hands. “Another nightmare?” she asked quietly.

Carmilla nodded, turning her head slightly to kiss Laura’s palm. “Yeah, but I promise I’m ok.  I just needed a walk to clear my head.”

Laura stared at Carmilla for a moment. “Carm…” Carmilla rose an eyebrow questioningly. “I love you.”

Carmilla smiled, leaning forward to capture Laura’s lips with her own. “I love you too, Cupcake.  Come on; let’s go back and get some rest.  We’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

Laura smiled at the thought.  Tomorrow she was going with Perry to look out and hopefully pick out a dress, and LaF was going with Carmilla to find a suit.  They had already agreed on a small ceremony, but it was Laura who managed to convince Carmilla to have the ceremony before Carmilla was to return to Germany to finish up her contract.  Carmilla had been hesitate at the idea, but she warmed up to the thought after a little convincing from Laura.

“Please no bowties though,” Laura said, returning the kiss.

Carmilla looked at her incredulously. “But I look so dapper with bowties!”

Laura rolled her eyes. “Can you tie a bowtie?  Because I know for sure LaF can’t tie one and that all of their bowties are clip-ons, a fact that they knowingly hold back from Perry.”

“I can learn.”

Laura kissed Carmilla’s cheek, leading her back to the bedroom. “No you won’t.  A regular tie will look more handsome on you anyways.”

Carmilla gave Laura her infamous smirk, closing the bedroom door behind her. “That so?  Well, you should’ve said something sooner, Cupcake.  Now I have to go and rearrange all of my suit ideas that I had drawn up with LaF.”

Laura wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s neck, feeling the back of her legs gently press against the bed. “I know for a fact that you won’t.  I still say you should go all dressed in your dress blues.”

“And I told you before that I hate wearing those unless it’s for a specific occasion.”

“So not even for your wedding?”

Carmilla smiled, capturing Laura’s lips in another kiss. “I’m willing to get a suit that’ll knock you out of your dress than risk you tearing something on my dress blues when we get back to the hotel.”

Laura pretended to think for a moment. “You’re…not wrong, I suppose.”

Carmilla chuckled before they both found themselves falling back onto the bed.  The plan had been to fall back asleep, but plans never seem to go the way they planned.


End file.
